{"id":2999,"date":"2026-10-22T07:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-10-22T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.lfgdating.com\/gamer-dating-blog\/?p=2999"},"modified":"2026-10-17T10:13:31","modified_gmt":"2026-10-17T15:13:31","slug":"ask-for-what-you-want-founder-note","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lfgdating.com\/gamer-dating-blog\/ask-for-what-you-want-founder-note","title":{"rendered":"Ask for What You Want: A Note From the Founders"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

This week we’ve been writing about the DTR talk, situationships, and the awkward business of saying what you want out loud. I’m not a relationship expert, and neither is Pat. I taught high school English, and he was a Marine officer. What I can do is point at a few moments from building LFGdating where somebody said a plain thing plainly, and tell you what I noticed. I’m telling these with 13 years of hindsight, so I’ll leave out any feeling I can’t vouch for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A question, asked straight<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Around 2010, Pat was stationed near a Marine base in Hawaii. One Tuesday night he called me with a question:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

“You said you could make a dating site for gamers, right?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Yeah. I’ll need your help, but yes \u2014 we can do it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Alright \u2014 we’re doing it then.”<\/p>\n\n\n\nPat and Casey, roughly 2010<\/cite>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Look at how little is hidden in that exchange. Pat asked the thing he wanted to know. I answered yes, and I attached a condition: I’d need his help. Neither of us hinted, tested the water, or waited to see who would bring it up first. Then Pat said what the answer meant, “we’re doing it then,” so we both knew where we stood before the call ended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is not a love story, and I’m not going to pretend a business call is a first date. But the shape of it stuck with me: a direct question, an honest answer with its terms attached, and a line that says what the two of you have now agreed to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Saying no out loud<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

While we were building the site, I was a young, non-tenured teacher with a full day job. I turned down two coaching opportunities, including a varsity boys basketball head coaching job, and an invitation to teach a higher-level curriculum. My line was “Sorry boss, I have other work to do.” I’m not going to tell you how those conversations went, because I don’t have notes on that, and I won’t invent a scene.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I can say is that a clear no was part of the plan. If I hadn’t said it, I’d have been saying a quiet yes to things I couldn’t actually do, and that tends to end with everybody disappointed. A no is information. It lets the other person decide what to do next.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Roles and timelines, on the table<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

By 2012 Pat was back in Woodstock, and we met in person every week, sometimes three or four days in a row, at coffee shops. A lot of that time went to hammering out roles, timelines, and projections. Talking through who does what and by when is not romantic. It is, however, what kept two friends from guessing at what the other one expected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can’t prove that the talking is why LFGdating is still here 13 years after launch, and I won’t claim it. I can tell you what we did, which is say the expectations out loud and write them down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What we can and can’t promise about the DTR talk<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Here is where I stay in my lane. When our team went looking for research this week, we did not find a peer-reviewed study showing that having a DTR talk causes better relationship outcomes. We also did not find one showing that situationships harm well-being. If you’ve seen a confident number about how many people have been in a situationship, we couldn’t trace the popular ones to a primary source, so none of them appear in this week’s posts. We’d rather give you no number than a made-up one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I can’t promise that asking for what you want gets you what you want. Nobody honest can. A person you ask might say yes, no, or “I’m not sure yet,” and all three are legitimate answers. “I’m not ready to label it” is a valid answer. “No” is a valid answer, and it doesn’t need a defense attached. If you’re on the receiving end, pressuring someone into a label is not okay, and neither is staying quiet about what you want because you’re afraid of the answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If a conversation about where things stand involves pressure, fear, or someone getting angry when you set a limit, you can reach love is respect by calling 1-866-331-9474 or texting LOVEIS to 22522. In immediate danger, call 911.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you want the practical version, our complete guide to defining the relationship<\/a> goes through the whole conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What you can count on from us<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Every new profile on LFGdating is reviewed and approved by a human on our team, and if you write to us, you’ll hear from the founders and not a ticket queue. We can’t promise a match or a relationship. We can promise to answer you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you’re ready to find your player two, create your free profile<\/a> or grab the LFGdating app<\/a>. Say what you’re looking for in your profile. The right person should be able to read it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stay Classy,
Casey and Pat<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Casey on a late-night call from Hawaii, the opportunities he turned down, and why saying what you want out loud, including a plain no, is where we start.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":3000,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[671,3,480],"tags":[997,1003,1004,1012,404,672,1008,962],"class_list":["post-2999","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-from-the-founders","category-gamer-dating","category-lfgdating","tag-building-lfgdating","tag-define-the-relationship","tag-dtr-talk","tag-founder-note","tag-gamer-dating","tag-lfgdating-founders","tag-saying-what-you-want","tag-stay-classy"],"yoast_head":"\nAsk for What You Want: A Note From the Founders | LFGdating<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Casey on a call from Hawaii, the opportunities he turned down, and why saying what you want out loud is where the DTR talk starts. 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